overbearing pride.

To you,

I kept thinking after that last text of all the extra stuff I could have said.

But for your lack of reply I found it no use to text it all to you,

so I'm writing it here instead.

How could you expect me to tell you what I was feeling when I never knew it for myself?

I told you that.

I tried to explain that.

Why was that not enough?

It was the truth.

It doesn't just happen and appear at the click of my fingers.

Maybe some people can know their feelings like that.

But I doubt it.

They're complicated.

And for some, near on impossible to decipher and figure out.

So don't throw that in my face for your defence.

As for my letting you in?

I told you that part.

Maybe those last few months or so I didn't as much,

But I had a fuckload of a lot of shit going on then.

I was trying to deal with so much.

Trying to figure out a lot of things.

I dealt with everything by isolating myself.

I'm sorry if by doing that I no longer 'let you in'.

But don't think it was only you.

I didn't let anybody in.

Not everything is about you.

I told you things I've never told other people.

They didn't understand.

You were the person that I went to if I needed to talk.

You were basically my counsellor.

Don't think I forgot your stopping me doing quite a lot of stupid things.

You've known some of my deepest wishes, regrets and pains.

How the fuck is that not ever letting you in?

You would do well to remember that you were the one that stopped talking to me.

Not the other way around.

So when you finally start talking to me again, only to every conversation ask about her, and then not contact me again when you made up with her,

How the hell was I supposed to feel but used?

And then  you have the balls to get upset at me about not letting you in, about not ever texting you first, about never telling you my feelings,

Well, fuck you.

You look back at these past four years and then re-think your words.

Why would I text you first when it seemed you were only using me?

If that were the case, as it so felt, then there was no point.

So don't get pissy at me.

~

On another note, I'm not angry at you2 for any of this. It's not your fault that I felt used by his discard of me once talking to you again.

Just clarifying that we're all good in my eyes