Why?

Why are you always so confusing?

The stuff you say and do

Why is it that I've no idea

What's up with me and you?

Why can't my mind make itself up?

About my feelings, what I want.

Why is it that I'm hot then cold?

It seems it's just to taunt.

Why are there so many ridges?

All these valley's filled with pain.

Why is it that these ups and downs

Leave nothing there to gain?

Why can't just one thing stick?

You decide and that is that.

Why is it that complications

Always pop out of the hat?

Why do obsticals exist?

Is it to make life interesting?

Why is it life must be so hard

As if it's in us 'God' is investing.

Why can't conflict just cease?

All these riots come to an end.

Why is it we must always fight?

What is there really to defend?

I could probably continue writing more and more and more of this forever atm, but I'm over it. I'm tired and my head hurts. I'm confused and just I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what my feelings are. I don't know 'who' I want. I don't know any of it. And I can't seem to come up with any answers either. And some people (don't think either read this so don't fret peeps) just make it that much harder and more difficult and full of confusion and fuzz and messed-upedness. As I trademark go:

Just, Yeah...

Synthetic Sensations...

So we have feelings, right?

Sensations.

We think we control them.

But we don't.

Do we know them?

Our true feelings?

Or do we not recognise them?

Not know how to.

How do you know what you feel is real?

And not just some synthetic, made up, sensation.

How do you distinguish fake from true?

Imaginings from reality?

How do you know any of it?

You don't.

I don't at least.

Ever.

I don't trust my emotions.

My feelings.

My decisions.

So I never know.

Because I second guess,

And ask myself if it is real,

Or if it is just a synthetic sensation.

Me and you and my medication.

Me, You And My Medication - Boys like Girls, some of the stuff in there was gathered from these lyrics, as is the title. Love this song, have quoted it before "love is just a chemical reaction" and yeah.

I guess it really is just me and you and my medication, and synthetic sensations, and chemical reactions -.-

Some friends become enemies, some friends become your family...

Some enemies become friends too.
It's weird that way, you can go years hating someone.
Because their first impression was so bad, and stuck for so long.
Because you hated that first impression.
With so much passion that you fought anything to do with them.
You fought conversation.
You fought them.
You glared at them whenever you saw them.
You yelled and screamed at them to 'fuck off and leave you alone!'
You tried everything.
But then you can connect with something, some shared experience or part of life.
Some shared concept of your past.
Some shared aspect of you, that nobody else gets.
And BAM it changes, you can relate, you can see past that crappy first impression.
You can become friends, be there for each other.
Through the stuff that others just don't get, because they can't.
It's weird, life, that way.
You can go from absolutely hating somebody with so much of your being, and then change to being so close, and having such a connection and understanding and love of one another.
Life, it's just messed up isn't it?

We can live forever, if you've got the time...

So yesterday was alright, school, was well boring.
English no teacher, had mad fun with Bea and her poor poor mind which she made me suffer with her, and my turning into the delirious state of tiredness where, as Sam and I were at maccas, some kid (probs around our age) asked if I was high -_-
I was not, but yeah, I get that tired and I act high/drunk/completely out of it. Have been like it on and off the past week.
RETRO!! gig was pretty hardcore, although the floor is quite uncomfy and Bea kept punching me >_< bloody hard too!! and bit my finger!!!! I TOLD YOU SHE WASN'T INNOCENT!! And my legs kept going numb too (hence the punching also)
Bek, I LOVE YOU!! that is all :D
The night had its moments, good and bad, and extremely interesting and such.. but was good :)
Because I was in my amazing Holden shirt :D
I love my mates :D Bea, Steph, Sam, Bek, Bec, all of everybody!!!!!!
... and it seems I love exclamation marks this morning >_> <_<

"And we played the first thing that came to our heads
just so happened to be
the best song in the world, it was the best song in the world
look into my eyes and it's easy to see
one and one make two
two and one make three it was destiny
once every hundred thousand years or so
when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
and the grass doth grow hoooo..."
hahahahahahahhahaha dancing like a drunk down deany :D

What if...??

What if?

What if there were no humans?
Would global warming never start?
or would some other species
evolve and fill the missing part?

What if world peace existed?
Would it ever really last?
or would someone eventually snap?
it all ending with a blast

What if everyone were equal?
Would the world still function right?
or would someone have to step up
and take control with all their might?

Sometimes our minds appear so stiff
and it is then we ask,
What if?

 

 

Ahh the good old days :') found this poem from years ago on my myspace this evening, I like it :D

 Myspace how you have changed! Spent all evening remeniscing, was quite amusing lol.

I miss you! I miss having a profile song! >_<

Let's start a myspace revolution and GO BACK!!!

Was the greatest, if only we could have facebook, with profile songs, it would be the ultimate.

I don't like you.

My thoughts today were quite murderous towards you.

It seems I must always fight with someone and it also seems you filled that spot.

I'm sorry things went down like this, but choices were made, and they were bad, and they hurt people.

People that I love.

So yes, right now, I really don't like you.

 

 

I love my friends, you guys are my world, was reading over my old myspace profile too and my info thing about my friends that I never finished, the memories <3 xx

 

bonfire '09 brother challenged sam to a beer sculling comp.. (was 'compulsory')

 

he began dancing funny, roudn in circles, arms going up and down in weird motions jiggin about...

 

pissed herslef laughing at his dancing and wiping her mouth

 

 

BEST BONFIRE EVER!! haha god I love them <3 was a hilarious night

Like soldiers, March on...

Don’t cry, open up your eyes and know
There's someone else out there that feels this way

I’m singing to you
'cause I know what you’ve been through and now
Not so long ago I felt the same

Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night we'll see the sun
March on, march on

I remember summer nights alone
The fireflie's the only thing we own
You're all we ever dreams of California
And I remember winters were so cold
Hunger was the only thing we know
And rock n’ roll dreamin’ was what saved us

Like soldiers
March on
If we can make it through the night we'll see the sun
March on, march on

Till we see the sun (March on)
Till we see the sun

Through the good times
Through the bad times
Through the long days
Through the hard nights
Keep on till we see the sun
Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night we'll see the sun
March on, march on

Even when there’s no one there for you march onEven when the days are long for you march onLike soldiers March on!

First ever favourite in Good Charlotte was a brilliant choice I think.

Their stuff is real.

It is motivational.

It helps me through hard times.

It makes me march on.

And there is a sun :)

We made it through the rough night and I don't care how bad it got.

I love you Rebekkah Lee Henderson <3

Sometimes we take our shit out on each other but it's just how we are it seems.

It's sticking by each other through it that makes you my best bud.

This past week and a half has full on just sucked without you.

But eh, each time, I'll hack it out till we see the sun :)

Even if I may say I'm done, I don't know if I could ever mean it.

xx

Why did I trust you?

You come on strong with a great
Big smile
But your teeth are as sharp as a
Crocodile
You promised me the moon and
The stars and the sun
But you never did nothin’ for
Anyone
Can’t look me in the face or
Straight in the eye
I’d buy the movie rights to your
Alibi
I wonder how long you will go
I wonder how high your head will
Blow
You’re a psychopathic liar
Your soul is on fire
You’re bluffin’ with nuthin’
While the stakes are gettin’ higher
Why trust you
You never made a dream come
True
Why trust you
Give me one good reason, one
Good reason why
You come to me all teary-eyed
With your big tall tale way up in
The sky
Begging on your knees for
Another chance
But everybody knows that’s a
Song and a dance
There used to be a time when you
Were the best
You had the fastest tongue in the
West
Ya gave a look and a line like
Nobody else
You’d try to sell the Bible to the
Devil, himself
You sadistic little liar
You’re walkin’ on the wire
You’re bluffin’ up with nothin’
And the bills are gettin’ higher
Why trust you
Give me one good reason, one
Good reason why
Trust you
The noose is getting tighter
Your face is turning whiter
You can stuff it up your muffin
And go stick it in the fire
Why trust you
You never made a dream come
True
Why trust you, give me one good
Reason, one good reason
Why trust you, you never made a
Dream come true
Why trust you, give me one good
Reason, one good reason
Why trust you, why trust you
Why trust you, why trust you
Why trust you

WHY TRUST YOU? - ALICE COOPER

Why trust anyone? There are only a few people in the world who I trust, and even then it's not full trust.

I have major issues with trust.

With apparently bloody good reason.

I trusted you. I took a chance and trusted you.

Now my trust issues are only 10 million times worse and that is your fault. Never again. Ever.

you only hear the music when your heart begins to break...

Today things went pretty steady.
Some things were tense and awkward, within all groups it seems.
And as My Chem say, "you only hear the music when your heart begins to break"
It's true.
You don't realise what you've got till it's gone.
You don't realise what you've really lost until the hurt really digs in and starts.
You just don't know.
But there are things that can't be changed.
So you've sometimes just got to learn to live with the music.

Also, new Harry Potter movie, is epicly amazing, I LOVE RON!!! and Dobby :D And Nevelle, omfg you got really bloody hot!!

I'm who I've got to be...

So it seems that some things have ended.
They were amazing and I will always cherish the memories.
And if things mend they mend, if they don't, it's unfortunate, but I'm not going to dwell on it.
I'm not going to dwell on things anymore that get me down.
There is not really much point when there are things to make you happy you could think about.
Like My Chemical Romance's new album, which I am in love with already.
Or the hopes of a new beginning elsewhere, possibly.
Yes the hopes may crash and fall, and I know that there is a fairly high chance of that.
But I am willing to risk it, because it's worth it, I think.
So I am who I've got to be with what cards life has dealt me.
Sometimes I have to be sad or mad.
Hopeful, hard and stony.
Stubborn, untrusting. Skeptical.
My moods run rampent on me, and I have no say in the swings they take, all I can do is be who I have to be to make it through those mood swings, those valleys and hills, to make it through the situations.
So yes some things have ended, and others are about to begin (maybe), they might change, who knows, but I will just be who I must through it all.

It's all I can do.

I wanna break this spell that you've created...

You know what? Yeah, you were my heroin.
But as hard as heroin is to give up, it is possible.
As is this.
You keep saying you're done well so am I.
I 'placate' because I hate conflict. No harm in trying to make peace last I heard.
Backstabber, whatever. Maybe I am, but if I am it is not intentional. And anyone who I have backstabbed I'm sorry.
I've said I'm sorry. I was. I still am. But this causes way more harm than good.
So I repeat.
I. Am. Done.
It's probably better for both of us.

They can't make you who you are not...

A kid came up to me now just the other day
And asked me if I thought about what I would say
If everything came crashing down on top of me
How would I stay pure?

Will you represent who you stand for?
Will they shame you?
Will they blame you?

It's funny how the words of a child can be
Simple, but the thought there is so meaningful
Makes me wonder what I would say to me
In the eyes of another

Will you represent who you stand for?
Will they shame you?
Will they blame you?

There's a consequence for the path you chose
Will they change you?
Will they make you who you are not? [x3]

Let the free will light your way
In these times of darkened days
Let the free will light your way

You will represent who you stand for
They won't shame you
They won't change you

There's a consequence for the path you chose
They can't change you
They can't make you who you are not

Represent, by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

It is a brilliant song, I love it.
And it has stuck in my head the last few days, kept me halfway strong, helped me.
Some things are really bad at the moment for me, but I'm surviving like I do.
Other things I think are going good, possibly turning to great, but I don't know.
I guess only time will tell.
For both. Whether the bad will become good again, or the good will stay good or turn great or go bad.
But all any of us can do is represent who we are, and who we stand for, to the best of our abilities, to our purest, truest form.
No matter how bad that form may be.
Not matter the consequences.
Because if good things come from being who you are not, how can they truely even be good? If you have to pretend, it isn't real, not really.
So no pretending, just representing.

Don't feel bad, keep your sadness alive..

I won't feel bad.
I am sad. I am hypocrytical. I am selfish. I am a coward. I am a bitch. I am a bad shoulder. I am a bad listener. I am depressed with massive out of control mood swings. I am a horrible person.
But I won't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I won't pretend to be none of the above because I don't believe in lying. So I won't feel bad about being me, I will continue trying to become a better person, however long it takes. But I will not feel bad about my emotions. I will keep them alive and show them.

I know this. I try to live with this. I try to change this.
It's not all that easy. And when you've been in a depressed mood all day and then a blog is all about depressed people and such, it figures that I would assume that.

I'm sorry. I'm trying the best I can. I'm sorry if it's just not good enough. I miss you.

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice...

Sometimes, stuff stinks.

You hate it.

You hate life.

You hate living.

You hate talking.

You hate breathing.

You hate thinking.

You hate situations.

You hate people.

You hate school.

You hate teachers.

You hate emotions.

You hate decisions.

You hate conversations.

You hate love.

You hate fate.

You hate 'God'.

You hate everything.

You Hate You.

And these sometimes,

It seems nothing will get you out of hating.

Out of deliberating.

Out of self-pity.

Out of denial.

Out Of Hope.

But occasionally you get a fright.

Somebody knocks you into place.

Into line.

Into a clear headspace.

Into breathing.

Into living.

Into reality.



That's what friends are for. And that's why I love mine. xx

“A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.”
Edgar Watson Howe

"You think you know a guy..."

Things happen
People change
Nothing ever stays the same

Friends lie
People cry
In the end we all will die

People anger
They confuse
Things we care for we will lose

Hearts break
Rivers flow
There's always things no one will know

Souls dim
People toy
It seems we can't help but destroy

Truths unveil
Knowledge dies
And you think you know a guy..



yeah, been an interesting day, and thought 'hey I haven't written a blog for today' and then my mojo hit me and here we have it.
the title is quoted from Timone from The Lion King (lol love that movie!) and I like it, because you do.
and then something changes, and it's like 'who are you? I miss who you used to be, I miss our talks, our friendship, your advice' you never know when it will happen. But it just does sometimes. and it sucks.

cya xx

love is just a chemical reaction...

I figured it out, what love is.
I already knew it, just was looking outside the box yesterday.
As Boys Like Girls sing in 'Me and You':

"we're all looking for someone,
to take away the pain...
love is just a chemical reaction"

It is so unbelievably true, I love their music.
As my best buddy Bek says, and I do, the heart is just a muscle.
Emotions are caused by chemical reactions in our bodies, pheremones.
Animals are still in touch with reading pheremones, most humans are not,
we use other methods of communication now, but some are still in touch with the pheremone system,
psychics as most call them.
Bek is this.
But really, love is just one of these pheremonal chemical reactions in our bodies that makes us feel things.
You have an attraction to another person, it is just a subconscious pheremonal recognisation or click.
Or at least that is the way I have interpereted the information I have read.

In truth, we can't control 'love' because love is just a chemical reaction.

xx

What is Love?

Is it that funny feeling in your torso after a text or smile?
Is it when a thought of that person brings a secret smile to your face?
Or is it when they tell you what you don't want to hear? when nobody else will?
Because they love you and care too much to watch you destroy yourself?
Is it knowing they will always be there to tell you the blunt truth?
When they open your eyes to things you were oblivious to? things you were blocking out and didn't want to see? things that you needed to see?
Is love honesty and trust?
Is it happiness and peace?
Or is it simply being so comfortable with that person, that you can fight,
you can tell each other what has to be said, what they don't want to hear,
Is it when they are the only person willing to risk their happiness, even safety, to try to get through to you?
To try to help and be there for you? through it all, all of your issues?

I don't know love. That is obvious.
But what I do know, is that it is hard, it is confusing, and it takes committment and effort and patience.
It takes your all.

You like somone, and think they like you back, but wham! they like somebody else, but are confused, which confuses you, and confuses them, and confuses everybody because it is all just confusing confusionistic confusion. Which is why some people are scared of liking people which could turn into loving people and being vulnerable. I am one of those people. I am scared of love, of a lot of irrational things. But I, and others, need to try and see that to be happy, to achieve, you have to take the risks in life. Or you will just be living in a constant stand still. A constant  crossroads.

anyway, big enough ramble for a first blog hey?
cya's xx