Yeah I'm over effort. Bigtime.

If I put in effort,

I'm not doing it for the sake of it.

If I put in effort,
I don't expect to get nothing in return;

No response;

No effort back;

No care in the world.

If I put in effort,
And you don't do ANYTHING,
Then yeah,

I'm going to get upset;
I'm going to get mad;
I'm going to get confused;
I'm going to stop.

If I put in effort, and get absolutely nothing in return, I'm giving up.

And saying this "If you can't be fucked, then this is a big FUCK YOU!!"

Better off alone anyway.

You held my hand and walked me home, I know
Why you gave me that kiss
It was something like this and made me go ooh ooh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears
Why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust

Did i not tell you that im not like that girl,
the one who gives it all away

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way, yeah

Don't think that your charm and
The fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants, I'll have to kick your ass
And make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop
Thought I liked you a lot
But I'm really upset (really upset)
Get out of my head, get off my bed
Yeah, that's what I said

Did i not tell you that im not like that girl,
the one who throws it all away

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way, yeah

This guilt trip that you put me on
Won't mess me up, I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna tell and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way, yeah

Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway

This is the end :'(

Yeah maybe I got stuff wrong.
But this friendship obviously isn't doing either of us any good so I think that at least having a break from each other would be the best thing for both of us. Especially when we both have stuff of our own to deal with that might make us snap at the other with stuff we don't mean.
I'm sorry for the stuff that I've said and done that have hurt you. I don't want to do that. I honestly wish you well with everything.
But I do think that this is the best for both of us. We cause each other too much heartache.

~~~~~~

So things are ending ay? On good terms none the less I suppose.

But it still hurts.

I'm still crying.

And breaking.

Just like us I guess.

I'm sorry if I caused this.

If it was something I or someone close to me did or said.

I guess like we said; beer buds involving everything else but beer.

And if it's meant to work in the future, it will.

Goodbye </3

I loved you

Who says I can't get stoned?

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Turn off the lights and the telephone
Me in my house alone
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Re-write my history
Who says I can’t be free?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long night in Baton Rouge
I don’t remember you looking any better
Then again I don’t remember you

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Call up a girl that I used to know
Fake love for an hour or so
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t take time?
Meet all the girls on the county line
Wait on fate to send a sign
Who says I can’t take time?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long night in Austin too
I don’t remember you looking any better
Well then again I don’t remember you

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Plan a trip to Japan alone
Doesn’t matter if I even go
Who says I can’t get stoned?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long time since 22
I don’t remember you looking any better
Then again I don’t remember,
don't remember you

So, yeah, song pretty much says it.

But really, who the fuck says so?

Maybe it'll dissappoint you.

Maybe my mum would disown me (actually that's not a maybe, it's definite).

Maybe my dad would be upset but understanding. More upset I didn't go through him.

Maybe my friends would call me an idiot.

Maybe people would say it'd fuck up my life.

But maybe, just maybe, it would be a chance.

A chance to have a break for a few hours.

A chance to be carefree.

A chance to forget about the messes in my head for a little bit and have fun.

A chance to just space out.

A chance to have no worries.

Even DISNEY says it, hakuna matata means no worries.
And getting stoned, that would give you no worries for a while.
So they're pretty much telling us all the way to life is to be a stoner.
So why not.
Why not just try once or twice, to just get away?
Why not give yourself that chance to be free for an amount of time?

So really. I may lose people if I do one day, but that's their problem.
If they can't deal with it and support my decisions in life, then they don't belong in it.

You ask me what's wrong?

I don't know.

I guess a part of it,

Is that I'm scared of what my worry over the smallest, stupidest, possibly most meaningless stuff means.

Does it mean that I don't feel the same anymore?

Or does it mean that I feel more?

More than I have before?

I don't know.

And I don't know how to bring any of this up with you either.

I can't even answer your question to you.

Not yet anyway.

Depends what you reply with this time I suppose.

I'm as good as a drug to you...

I've really got to get out of this.

I've learned to let go
Come on

Here's a middle finger
Coming straight from oca-l-a
I appreciate your judgement
it's proved that I can't trust a word you say
those must be some pair of binoculars
that you see every move I make
so I'll never be a liar
but you'll always be two-faced

You'll get what's coming to you
You're blinded by your instincts
I'm not your fucking game
I'm not so easily beat

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed
So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this
my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll rip that scandalous bitch in two
We'll bring the noise

Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me
(Too bad I can't turn back time)
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this
but you're just like everyone else

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed
So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this
my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends

Get low 

Now I know who my friends are
I'm never coming home

So I don't like how close you are.
My fault, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
And I don't.

Why won't you tell me?

I don't know what you want from me,
Why won't you tell me?
You don't give anything away,
And I don't understand.
Why can't you tell me?
Just open up, let me help;
Let us sort through this.
Why won't you tell me?
I'm confused and changing;
I'm turning numb.
Why can't you tell me?
I could help you!
Just let me.
Why won't you tell me?
Why can't you?
Why don't you?
It's what I'm supposed to be here for...

You're not where you should be,

Not where I need you.

You aren't where I need you,

When I need you.

How can I live with that?

How can this work,

If I can't depend on you?

How, if I must constantly turn to someone else?

I don't think it can;

I don't know if it will;

I don't know if it's enough.

I remember that night,
so cold and so dark,
kind of like your heart...

I wanted to die,
I wanted to cry,
I wish we can go from the start.

I'm trying to run,
I'm trying to hide,
But just know that I will...

Cry tonight...
My hands around your hands -
I won't let you...
Die tonight...
My heart's in your hands -
I won't let you...
Die...

Don't want to fight,
I don't want to write,
Any more songs about you.
Still waiting it out,
Why do you have to shout,
I just want to forget you.
I was trying to run,
Trying to hide,
But just know that I will...

Cry tonight...
My hands around your hands -
I won't let you...
Die tonight...
My heart's in your hands -
I won't let you...

Die Die Die
I won't let you...
Die Die Die
I won't let you
Dieeeeeeeeeeeee...

...



Fuck it.

Fuck him.

Fuck her.

Fuck them.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck this diet.

Fuck these moods.

Fuck the dramas.

Fuck the depressiveness.

Fuck the anger.

Fuck the hostility.

Fuck the problems.

Fuck the inability to help;

The helplessness.

Fuck the envy.
Fuck the grades.

Just fuck it all.

I don't know :/



When you hate the ones you’re meant to love;
and love those you’re meant to hate.

The life you lead and depend on,

Often turns into some great debate.

There’s people all deciding,

What you do and do not feel.

But do you get a choice in this?

To make said feelings real?

Your life turns to confusion,

Not once knowing what is right.

You learn to fear decisions,

Will they end up in a fight?

You cannot lead a wholesome life,

When it is so full of fear;

For many things, all wrong and right,

It draws your ending near.

I cannot stress my point enough,

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what I think or feel,

In regards to all of you.

When shit hits home...

Once something has changed,

Can it ever again be the same?

Can things ever build back up,

To where they once were?

Or once it has changed,

Is it just doomed to be different

Ever after?

Would the new things alter the old?

Destroying their chances of revival.

Survival.

Once the new has replaced the old,

It's purpose is lost.

It can try to be what it once was,

Strive so enviously for acceptance.

But when all is lost,

Replaced,

It is useless, old and broken.

Left in the corner of the floor,

To naught be needed again.

So I don't know.

I feel like I'm being replace.

Like I've been replaced.

Yeah things get better, but they're not, nor ever will be, the same.

The things we used to do or whatever, you have somebody else for now.

I guess I just have to accept that I'm not needed how I used to be,

give up,

and move on.

Sometimes, well pretty much all the times, life sucks.

Things never go the way we want them to.

They never fix to what they were.

Nothing ever stays the same.

Things don't just happen.

People meet new people and those new people tend to replace you and take your spot.

And that's when you know you aren't needed anymore.

And that's when shit hits home.

And that's what fucking sucks.

Blood like Blood..

Blood like blood,

It stays the same.

The shit you start,

This stupid game.

The fights are fought,

The wars are won.

But you just continue on,

For fun.

Words are spat,

And whips are lashed.

The innocent,

Soullessly bashed.

You thrive upon,

The pain you cause.

The lot of you,

Against the laws.

Of loyalty,

And bonds of time.

What do you give?

But words to rhyme.

Written a while ago as well.

I like this, and it's true.

When shit goes down, at least I get mojo and poetry out of it.

It's the only thing.

But it's something at least.

Just sucks when it doesn't turn off and keeps me up at night.
Eh oh well.

On another note, I now have awesome incentive to get me assessments done on time this year :D

For every one I get a hotwheel of my choosing :D

And for getting each major work done on time I get FOUR!!!! :D

IT'S GONNA BE FRICKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! XD

Finally some sort of motivation XD

My collection is gonna be intense by the end of the year!

(Doomsday haters, just stop reading here lol)

Third note; I know you won't read this, but eh.

I'm quite glad I met you when I did, it was a tumultious time for me but having you there and concentrating on getting to know you, that helped me through it all the best it could.

Things didn't start on the best foot for all parties involved,

Mistakes were made and misunderstandings,

Things were rocky.

But it just worked, we just clicked;

When you asked me "ford or holden", 3 times in 24 hours, it was like woah.

But yeah, I really really like you <3

Happy valentines day :)

(and sorry to all those people who absolutely hate doomsday)

Maybe it's getting better...

As I walk through the valley,

Of the simmering rain.

I look around me,

Noticing I’ve lost you again.

Throughout this walk,

So focused upon pain.

I didn’t recognise,

This ever growing stain.

I could try and go on,

With naivety to fain.

I could walk to the station,

And catch the next train.

A train far away,

From this torturous pain.

But that would not even,

End up to my gain.

I would lose you forever,

And end up insane.

I’d add to the torrential,

Flow of the rain.

You would be the one wondering,

Mind shimmered with pain.

And I’d know that the fault,

Is my own once again.

So I wrote this poem  bit ago, when I was having a tough time dealing with a situation I had at hand.
I didn't want to lose you, or what we had.
I didn't like what was happening and the feeling that I'd never have you there how you used to be again.
I felt like I'd done this, which I had, and pushed you away and moved my pain onto you without you knowing why I'd done anything.
I felt as though fixing things was a completely lost cause and our friendship was utterly fucked.
But lately things have been more like they used to be.
We've spoken more and I can slowly feel that trust and relationship building back up.
I think now, not as I did when I wrote this, but as I do; that we can get back to where we were and fix this, and I can be there for you and you for me, that (I think) we know the boundaries of telling things and breaking the edge of that line.
I feel we will get past this mishap :)
Which I am very grateful for, I missed you.
Love you, glad to have you back :)

Why do I envy thee?

Why is it that I envy thee?

For these so sinful ways.

My eyes glow green,

They’re turning brighter than these blinding days.

This feeling only grows within,

Soul racked with jealousy.

It shouldn’t be existent,

Nor my clearest memory.

I worry for these things you do,

These things which make you feel.

However it is these such things,

Which make my envy real.

One once said..



When all One’s ties are good as dead,

What’s he supposed to do?

One could attempt to stay in bed,

And fain he has the flu.

When death arises; bloody stains,

All butchered to the sheets,

One envies for which Death obtains,

So jealous of his feats.

Why is it this calls on green eyes,

And never once the norm?

One must remain with this disguise,

This bunker from the storm.

When fury glows and fires burn

The colour green as leaves,

One knows that he has much to learn,

For One, no one believes.

When all One knows is treachery,

Against his dour emotions,

Time and again, soon One will be,

The unit baring potions.

Why is it thus that One so strives?

So downcast and decayed,

It’s been One’s dream for many lives,

Decisions long since made.

I hate you :)

Woooaah!

You tried to spit in the eye
Of a dead man’s face
Attacked the ways of a man
Not yet in his grave
But your hate was over all too soon
Because nothing is over,
Nothing’s through,
Till we bury you

For the love of brother
I will sing this fucking song
Aesthetics of hate,
I hope you burn in hell
Woooaah!

The words I read on the screen
Left me fucking sick
I felt the hatred rising
You son of a bitch
You branded us pathetic for our respect
But he made us driven,
Such deep reverence,
Far beyond the rest

For the love of brother
I will sing these fucking words
Aesthetics of hate,
I hope you burn in hell

Woooaah!

Long live memories
Live this freedom vicariously
Defend tenfold
His honor we’ll always uphold

For the love of brother
I will say these fucking words
No silence against ignorance
Iconoclast, I hope you burn, burn in hell

May the hand of God strike them down
May the hand of God strike them down
May the hand of God strike them down
May the hand of God strike them down
Strike them down...

Woooaah!

May the hand of God strike them down
May the hand of God strike them down
May the hand of God strike them down
May the hand of God strike them down (down, down...)

Let it be known :)

Change is coming...

I don't like change.

I never have.

It means difference, adjustment, strength; an open mind.

Change is coming.

Change is here.

I'm on

And I don't like it.

I'm finding this entire thing-entire things-very hard to deal with.

Very emotional.

Very distressing.

More so than it should be.

I shouldn't be letting it get me down like I have.

But it's hard, and I have never taken change well.

I have never welcomed it.

I have never dealt well with it; with faith, with change.

I need to let go of my stubbornness and just do what I have to without this attitude.

But then that means changing and facing the future head on.

I don't know if I can do that.

There's more than just the main thing.

There's worry.

Worry about myself,

My friendships falling apart and my inability to fix them,

Worry about my friends and what's worrying them,

Worry about the future,

Worry about the past,

Worry about things that I have no say in and cannot do anything to change.

But I still worry.

And that word, that thing, 'change' keeps coming up.

I have to just

Believe that things will work out.

Believe that things will get better and improve.

Believe that things will get easier.

Believe in myself... and others.

I have to just believe in life.

We all do.

Believe that we can do this year and do it well I guess.

And get through all the things that are getting us down.

All the things that are bothering us.

All the things that we have to fix or move on from.

God this is getting bloody philosophical ><

I just hate change.

But I have no choice but to believe in it.

halle-fucking-lujah.

-_-

I miss you :(

Why do I do this to myself?
That's right, effort.
Effort that ends in breaking down.
Effort thats opens the floodgates and brings out all those emotions I've been bottling up about this.
Effort that hurts like fuck.
Effort that tells you how I feel and why.
Effort that will maybe hope to fix things, but I'm not sure if it will, or can.
I hate effort.
I'm lazy.
If you put in effort, with anything, there is the possibilty of getting hurt.
But if you don't put in effort, then you live no life.
Life must be hard mustn't it?
It's just the way it is and the effort comes with it and so do the tears and the pain and the vulnerability of opening up and letting your feelings show.
A quote from a good friend (kinda like this anyway) "There is nothing you can do to change the past, nothing. So you just have to move on and look to the future and make what you want of it. The future is yours. The past is gone."
I miss you.
I miss what we had.
I miss that unconditional trust I had in you.
I hate that it's gone.
I fucking hate it.
And I'm sitting here trying to figure out a way that it would ever be possible for it to grow back, knowing that with me, there probably isn't, and breaking apart with the realisation that what we had is gone and I don't know if it can ever be the same again.
I hate falling apart.
I miss my best friend </3

Just a little late...

I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

Today, I had an extremely cruel and possibly taken by some, sadistic, idea to do with this song.

And this image.

Imagine if you did it.

And you left this song playing where you ended it all?

Imagine the torture that would do to whoever found you?

They'd blame themself.

They'd never be the same again, no matter who it was.

And you could even contact someone you loath to meet you at the place you did it,

So that they would find you.

So that they would forever be tormented, even if they hated you too.

It would weigh down anybodies shoulders.

And I oddly thought up this idea quite enthusiastically, basking in the fact that it would continue to torment that person for the rest of their life.

Whenever they heard the song they'd probably break down.

I really am an evil, sadistic soul aren't I?

But I guess we should all know that by now.