thankyou for caring.
for knowing me.
for understanding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

right when I decide that I can deal with never seeing my cousins again, and can deal with the ramifications of what I did to stand up for my mother, I have to dream that he doesn't hate me. He isn't scared of me and doesn't want to never see me again. He was in as much pain as me and we hugged the shit out of each other and made up and it was all good. I had that relationship back that had only just begun.
it was so real. so very real I can still feel him in my arms.
and then I had to wake up with a hole in my chest and a ball in my throat and realise it was just a dream. that I can never do that again. that I'll likely never see either of them again.

then shit has to go down and people end up in hospital possibly pending operation, all of this, I can't deal with it. not to mention my damn tablets haven't started working again after I've finished my antibiotics so my heads in an even shitter place.

the only way I am surviving is by ignoring my own life. I'm living through my books, as I always do when things get too hard, and I'm shrinking in on myself. but that's all that I can give.

Miss Hoysted, thankyou so much for being there for me this weekend, and thankyou for staying on sunday with me, even though I said it didn't matter. You always know what I need, even if I don't know it myself.
I love you, no matter what anyone says I will always love you <3