I'm so sorry. I should just leave and it would all go away.

I am so sorry.
I'm sorry that when I try to help I make things a trillion times worse.
I'm sorry that I've caused you boys to lose an entire extended family segment from your lives,
and mum, I'm sorry I've caused you to lose them as well.
I'm sorry that you might as well not have a brother or godsons or anything anymore, at least "not while Sophie is living under the same roof as you".
I'm sorry that you changed who my godfather was.
Because I'd rather the old one I've never met any day.
Gran and Pa, I'm so so sorry that I've torn our family apart.
That, because of me, there will never again be family get togethers, not with us all.
I'm so sorry you might lose the farm.
And stand a chance of losing your son and daughter.
Just fuck.
I can't do anything right.
I finally take a stand the right way, in person, and for it, I am never able to see my cousins again.
You can go to hell.
And you can perish under the resentment you will gain from your children over the years.

Why is it that I envy thee?

For these so sinful ways.

My eyes glow green,

They’re turning brighter than these blinding days.

This feeling only grows within,

Soul racked with jealousy.

It shouldn’t be existent,

Nor my clearest memory.

I worry for these things you do,

These things which make you feel.

However it is these such things,

Which make my envy real.

Once something has changed,

Can it ever again be the same?

Can things ever build back up,

To where they once were?

Or once it has changed,

Is it just doomed to be different

Ever after?

Would the new things alter the old?

Destroying their chances of revival.

Survival.

Once the new has replaced the old,

Its purpose is lost.

It can try to be what it once was,

Strive so enviously for acceptance.

But when all is lost,

Replaced,

It is useless, old and broken.

Left in the corner of the floor,

To naught be needed again.

You know,

You said you’d always be there for me;

You’d do anything for me;

We’re best friends.

But where were you when I needed you?

Where were you when the shit hit the fan and I had nobody?

Why weren’t you where you always used to be?

There.

Because of her right?

You got over your stuff for me and onto stuff for her and BAM!!

I DON’T MATTER ANYMORE!!

I don’t see how that is being there;

Doing anything;

Being my best friend.

Only stabbing me in the back and ripping my heart open and soul to pieces.

But I guess I should have seen this coming,

It happens every single time.

I suppose I’ll just stay best-friend-less,

Because you obviously don’t need me anymore.

I miss my poems. I miss them so so much. But it seems I really can't write them anymore. To think how much easier it would be to deal with all this if I still had that outlet.

If you want to work things out don't do it through here. It's all we have ever done and you had the opportunity to through the inbox. Yeah we might scream at each other for a while like he and I did all day, but that's what happens. Running and avoiding it will only make things a million times worse.
Any consolation, I don't even know why I am mad and upset. I just am.

Oceans and tears
and rivers of fears
are taking my heart beat away

the currents and tides
those fluctuous rides
are perpetually making me sway

I can’t help but think
if I didn’t such as blink
that this would not have occurred

And that way’d be fine
cause you’d both still be mine
and my eyesight would no longer be blurred

it’s always my way
when I just find my lay
in the land I just go fuck it up

it’s stupid and crude
and my mind is so rude
but I guess all I’ve got now is my pup L

please don't haunt my dreams.
please let me sleep.

Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Oh, why? There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you're gone, and we cried








you'll sing this at my funeral

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees
And put 'em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half to seem 'em

Don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer farmer
Put away the DDT
I don't care about spots on my apples
Leave me the birds and the bees
Please!

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Hey, now they paved paradise
To put up a parking lot
Why not?

Listenin' late last night
I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took my girl away
Now, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Hey now, now
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
To put up a parking lot

I don't want give it
Why you want give,
Why you want give it all away?
Hey hey hey
Now you want give it,
Ah she want to give it
Cause she givin' it all away
Now now now

Hey pave paradise
Put up a parking lot

I don't know how you do it.

I wish you would make things easier and simpler, instead of double crossing and fucking things 3 times as bad.

love hate

Loving helping.
Loving standing my ground for those I love.
Loving people I love being happy.
Hating people I love being sad.
Hating people I used to love being c***s.
Hating the green eyed monster.
Hating worry.
Hating anxiety.
Loving my wife.
Loving that I can make a difference.
Loving that I can give advice to people that seems to work.
Loving that right now is such a 180 from this time last year.
Loving my friends, all of them.
Loving my dog, and my dads dogs, and Bek's dogs and cat, and Brock's cat, and pretty much just animals lol.
Loving being past being pissed at my brother.
Loving that I'm one step closer to overcoming my fear.
Hating that I still have too many steps to go.
Hating that I have to work thursday.
Loving that I can party hard thursday night.
Hating that my belly bars didn't arrive.
Hating that sometimes there is nothing I can do to help.
Hating that families can be so cruel and blind.
Hating what sunday night had to come to.
Pretty much yeah, I dunno, it started like this and it continued like this in this format so that's what you guys have got.
2011 was good, there were some horrible things that happened, but also some amazing things that happened. We all completely our HSC and deserve to be proud of doing that, because not everyone can.
2012 we may die, I wouldn't be surprised if we do, but that's no reason to be depressed, or reckless, or dwell on things. It's a reason to live life to it's fullest, which is what we should do every day no matter the date or year. This is our year to shine guys, and shine my bloody oath we will <3