#1: check

Vendetta attack #1: check.

You don't realise the damage you have done do you?
You don't understand what it has cost me.
Don't care.
Well now you're going to have to.
Because it's personal.
And I am bringing. you. down. :)

Enjoy it.

You're so going down.

I hereby swear my oath in this personal vendetta against you.

I will win.

You will crash and burn.

Fuck. You.

smiley face :)

I hope you enjoy this as much as you've enjoyed fucking me over all my life.

Because I sure will be.

love Love LOVE this wedding cake!!!
it is way fucking amazingly awesomely wicked insane cool!!

just wish I could find the wicked as gothic wedding dress I once upon a time found :(

and that is all of this random little post :)

all I will say is this: LOL
even if it does go ahead again tomorrow, it still gives me evil satisfaction XD

Just let me move on.

People who read my blogs, I'm sorry I'm dwelling again.

I'm trying to move on and get you out of my head.

I'm trying not to dwell and be happy.

I'm trying to get over you.

Well actually, not really you, just the concept of being in a relationship.

Because it's not really you that I miss.

It's that.

That security.

And I know that since losing that I lost my drive to get the help I was going to get and I need.
But I just have to forget about you, and get back to that frame of mind that I had.
Because I had been completely ready to tell them everything and get that help.

And yeah I do blame these happenings for changing that and making me so stubborn again,
But I have to - for my own good - move on and get back to that so that I can do it.

Since yesterday, I've also been trying to move past my hate for doctors so I can help them help me.

Because it's up to me.

Nobody else has that responsibility.

It's on my shoulders alone and I have to stop blaming everyone else.

I have to stop blaming people for my health issues.

I have to just stop and move on.

So I'm thinking of maybe just going to a completely different doctors office and completely new doctor instead.

Maybe that will make it easier.

I'm also not going to have mum there this time.

Or I might just go straight to where they'll send me.

But I have to.

I have to stop being lazy, get off my arse, stop dwelling is this self-pitiful shit, and do something about it.

Thankyou for saying what you did.
Even though I knew all that you said even before you said it,
I think that it helped to have it said by someone else as well.

thanks for doing your job SO great -_-

So my mojo's gone.
It seems you took that with you too.
Thanks a whole lot.

Doctors.
I hate them.
They don't tell you anything.
They're not considerate.
They hate on nay other form of help you've had i.e. naturopaths.
They act stuck up and snobby.
They make it clear that they don't actually care about helping you.
They even say they don't care what you do.
And because they are like this;
I couldn't even ask about the most important reasons for my visit.
She'd put me in too bad a mood.
Made me hate her.
Made me almost cry with the passion of my hate and anger.
She made it impossible for me to get the help that I need.
To even talk about what I needed to.
She didn't even prompt it when mum brought it up.
Not even when she should have been able to see how deeply it affected me as soon as it was said.
This crap.
This shit.
This is why I fucking hate doctors so much.
They don't care.
They don't give 2 cents about you.
They just care about you getting the appointments with them, to get them money.
Nothing more.
Even when I mentioned some stuff in relation to other stuff, she didn't ask anything more.
Even when she has a fucking legal obligation to with that stuff.
Cow.
Was told she was a good doctor too.
Well no.
Fuck that.
Fuck her.
Fuck doctors full stop.

They don't care and that is final.

In other regards, I'm proud of myself with how I went in the blood tests :)
Been fretting for weeks and went it, sat down, arm out, stared at a spot on the wall, and all done.
If that's the only good that comes out of today I guess I'm going to have to take it.

look at everything

I've spent so much time trying to fix your life that I forgot about mine.
This time I'm putting my foot straight through the floor.
You wont be walking through any of my doors anymore.
So tell me what's so wrong with me that you could leave so easily.
You threw this all away for the chance to leave me.
She makes me happy.
She sparks a light inside you've never failed to blow out.
Look at everything.
Look at all that you've become nothing more than a memory.
So tell me what's so wrong with me that you could leave so easily.
You threw this all away for the chance to leave me.
You make me sick with every move you make.
When will you find your place in this world?
Cause it will never be beside me again.
So tell me what's so wrong with me that you could leave so easily.
You threw this all away for the chance to leave me.

 

I may be growing obsessed with this band, but I don't care;

I love the fuck out of them <3

Just don't take chances.

Today,

I decided to make a pact with myself.

I don't know if I'll stick to it.

I don't know if I can.

I don't know if it will work.

But the thing is;

I don't fucking care.

And THAT is precisely why I have to do something.

Why I have done this.

The pact?

I will have no boyfriends;

No intimacy;

No love - of any kind;

No closeness;

No chances;

No anything the will - if it ceased - fuck with school.

Nothing that will affect it like you have.

I was doing good, finally.

I had motivation and a drive for the the first time.

I was getting marks I never knew I could actually achieve.

I was doing my work.
I was concentrating in school, halfway liking it.

I was going to get help.

I was loving life and slowly getting through things.

I. Was. Halfway. Happy.

And you went and took every single one of those things away.

And you say, in some similar way or another, to someone that you miss what you threw away?

No.

Fucking. No.

Do not say you miss something, when you are the one that threw it away.
When you are the one that caused us both pain.
When you are the one that did this.
Now, if my HSC flops with no other cause, I will blame you.
I actually took a chance for once.

And I learnt that chances are NEVER worth the outcome you are dealt with.