if we've been fighting, please read this.

Tablets for disorders,
Positive, until you grow dependant.
Then, when they don’t work,
You screw things up and grow repentant.
Storms have been brewing,
Those big black clouds, so dark and sinister-like.
Electrons charged and irritated,
All calm gone, the lighting strikes.
After lighting follows thunder,
Always there to retaliate furiously.
It’s like a lid’s been cracked,
The storm underway, uncontrollable and seriously
Wreaking havoc on lands once lush,
Breaking riverbanks, the torrents rage.
Branches break and souls will tear,
The cracks are spreading, through every page.
I wonder, will this fury cease?
Or has my damage done too much?
I want you back,
I’m sorry, I love you, but I’m so out of touch L

I’m sorry I snapped
and haven’t asked after you.
I’m sorry I yelled
I truly didn’t mean to.
I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch
as of late.
I’m sorry, I’ll go now,
and there’ll be no debate.
Just know that I love you,
that will never, ever change.
You will forever be in my heart,
no matter the distance or range.
Please, live a happy life,
You deserve that, and so much more.
I’m sorry for what I’ve done
now I see, I’ve closed these doors.

Alone amidst a crowd of stars,
I feel as though I’m stuck on Mars.
Through vast expanse’ of time and space,
I fear that nothing will erase.
My emotions, once so strong within,
Have numbed, the light become so dim.
I don’t know if I’ll ever change,
My options show such tiny range.
I am a vacuum, a black hole in space,
All happiness, I will erase.

I’m sorry…

                For all the things I said that I maybe didn’t mean,

I’m sorry…

                If I hurt your head and make you want to scream.

I’m sorry…

                For the things I did that caused your heart to bleed,

I’m sorry…

                If I screwed things up with stuff I thought I’d need.

I’m sorry…

                About the things regarding which I can do nothing,

I’m sorry…

                If your pain is caused by all my stupid bluffing.

I’m sorry…

                That I hurt you, and my promise didn’t keep,

I’m sorry…

                Is it not enough? Because I’m about to leap.

I’m sorry…

                That I let you down, it was not my intention,

I’m sorry…

                I just crashed and burned and caused us all this tension.

I’m sorry…

                That I lied to you, I was so scared of the truth,

I’m sorry…

                I would die for you, hang myself up from the roof.

I’m sorry…

                You can beat me, yell and scream until you’re sore,

I’m sorry…

                Please forgive me, I can’t take this anymore…

It's amazing, old poems can be meaningful over and over. And new ones, well it seems only when my mental state is shocking can I write them. But I guess that's one positive I can take from this. Even if it is the only one.
I don't want to lose you, any of you. But I'll understand if I do, I've closed so many doors in the past few months I wouldn't blame you for locking it on me.
But I truely am sorry, and my sternum is burning, and my throat is constricted, and I keep pulling words together in my head, I don't know how many more poems I'm going to write tonight.
I love you so much, and I miss you both.
Everything's change so much since mid january. I'm sorry. Just fuck I'm sorry.

sometimes songs speak the words you can't put together

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

[Chorus]
For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

where am I supposed to find my life's instructions?
they're no where I've been able to look.

I want to be as free and peaceful and uplifted and carefree as her.

Mum, please stop you're run of bad things this week? I fear you're going to end up not waking up one of these days with the way your luck is going :/

thankyou for caring.
for knowing me.
for understanding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

right when I decide that I can deal with never seeing my cousins again, and can deal with the ramifications of what I did to stand up for my mother, I have to dream that he doesn't hate me. He isn't scared of me and doesn't want to never see me again. He was in as much pain as me and we hugged the shit out of each other and made up and it was all good. I had that relationship back that had only just begun.
it was so real. so very real I can still feel him in my arms.
and then I had to wake up with a hole in my chest and a ball in my throat and realise it was just a dream. that I can never do that again. that I'll likely never see either of them again.

then shit has to go down and people end up in hospital possibly pending operation, all of this, I can't deal with it. not to mention my damn tablets haven't started working again after I've finished my antibiotics so my heads in an even shitter place.

the only way I am surviving is by ignoring my own life. I'm living through my books, as I always do when things get too hard, and I'm shrinking in on myself. but that's all that I can give.

Miss Hoysted, thankyou so much for being there for me this weekend, and thankyou for staying on sunday with me, even though I said it didn't matter. You always know what I need, even if I don't know it myself.
I love you, no matter what anyone says I will always love you <3