results of last free 'study' periods, and random ituning

What happened to you and me?
One moment changed everything
It's done and there's no way to take it back
Mistake gave me the pain I never had
There is no way to justify it so
Now i breathe in and let it go

This is the end of everything
Goodbye my only
I hang my head and i give in
Goodbye my only friend

Part of me I'll never see
Come visit me in my dreams
I feel my actions are destroying me
Deep down below the shallow life I lead
The pain is mine to keep and call my own
I'll carry it until i'm gone

This is the end of everything
Goodbye my only
I hang my head and i give in
Goodbye my only friend

I cant forgive myself that i let go
My life is worth no more than yours i know

This is the end of everything
Goodbye my only
I hang my head and i give in
Goodbye my only friend



ok so I did spent all free finding pictures relating to how I'm feeling and sending them to my home email address to put into a blog, but it just took me almost an hour to go through and open and save them all so I will upload everything when I have some time

one thing though, I hate step fathers. they shouldn't exist.

I wanna feel weightless

Manage me, I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because
I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

But I'm stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up
And I'm over getting older

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy, I don't wanna waste another minute here

Make believe that I impress
That every word, by design, turns a head
I wanna feel reckless, wanna live it up just because
I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy, I don't wanna waste another minute here

This could be all I've waited for
(I've waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy, I'm stuck in here

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
(It's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
(Go nowhere)
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
(Everything I fear)
'Cause I've been going crazy, I don't wanna waste another minute here

I really don't see why people have to be so complicated and make life so complicated, me included.
Why do people have to question  their friends?
Why do people give reason to be questioned?

Why can't we just live life,

Have fun,

Laugh,

Smile,

Cry?

Why can't we just live with no worries?

There shouldn't be all this second guessing,

All this down in the dumps.

Life is supposed to be worth living,

Not seem like a chore and effort.

I don't know how,

But we are going to find the time,

to never let another day go by,

Without our managing to feel weightless.

Because that's what I believe life should be.



Steph, I'm sorry if I upset you again with this x

These thoughts, they haunt me.
Taunt and attack;
they mess me around.
I'd jump if I could,
but wish if I can't.
Because truely, I can't take this.
My insides are fighting
a never-ending battle.
This war is killing me,
the fatalities are rising.
If I could, I'd jump;
I'd join them.
But I can't, so here's to wishing,
and continuing this wretched fight.

I really don't know if I can do this.

It seems as though every single freaking person out there is trying to get us together.

Plans for matching clothes and just fuck. I can't do this!
Yes I know it's running away.
I know it's avoiding the problem - my specialty.

But I honestly cannot do this!

I can't risk losing our friendship.

I can't have the hope that something could work between us.

I can't have that pain if it fucks up everything.

I just cannot do this.

And every time I finally get ok in the head, and stop dwelling on it,
Somebody else brings it up and I'm back down in that pit.

In the midst of this bloodbath of a war.

I hate it.

I fucking hate this.

I wish I could just drive away, cut all contact, create another identity, just disappear.

It would be so much easier.

put me out of my misery

My brain is sending me crazy.
I typed out so many texts/explanations to you today, only to delete them all again.
I wrote a letter, just to rip it out and scrunch it up in my bag it went.

I don't know what the fuck my thoughts even are.

That's why i can't tell you what's wrong.

I don't know.

And the thing I don't know is you.

I just don't know how to figure out anything and until I do it's going to fuck with us again.

I hate my brain.

I hate my thoughts.

I want to fucking shoot and slaughter my thoughts.

I'm sorry.
I'm trying everything I can.