may have missed one tiny big reason for home and away watching every night <3 <3

all the small things

Books

Reading

Movies

Popcorn

Spongecake

Puppies

Jasper

Book shopping;

WITH Em

Book club

Fanfiction

Cars

Holden

Abs

Checkers

Black/White

Bite marks

Scratches

Sleep

Blankets

Warmth

Mentos

B&S

Driving

/

These are the things that keep me going.

It's the small things.

They don't make much of a difference, but it's enough.

For now at least.

Day Ten: One Confession

I'm not entirely positive about which way I bat.

I've only dated guys yeah, but the prospect of a good looking chick or being with a girl is no different for me. There is no repulsion to the idea. Either way to me is the same allure.
I haven't done anything about it.
But a good looking guy and a good looking girl or anything like that is the same.

right this very second

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

XS - stressed and confused. There is school and friends and you. I feel like my head is cracking and breaking from all of the pressure and strain. I am over school, I just want a break, a holiday, rest. I am confused as to what to do. I'm confused about if you mean what you said. I don't know if you do care as much as you say you do. I don't know if you will put in the effort you said you would. So far I've been left hanging at my attempts. And I just don't know. Even when we try to work it out, afterwards, I am still left in the exact same headspace and confusion as before.
So please, just make it clear what you want, and tell me it, tell me what to do.

:/ - I'm happy sometimes, yet I am constantly numb or sad. It's a very disconcerting combination. When I spend time playing with Jasper, aquiring new bite marks all over my arms, having fun and just relishing in his youthful innocence and playful nature, I feel alive; I feel happy; I just forget about everything else and it's just him on my mind. It's really really nice to have him there to help me relax, it's what I missed about having pets the most.
And then there are all the other times when I am not with him. I have become so aggressive and stubborn and withdrawn. I'm constantly snapping at teachers and refusing to do my work. My road rage has gotten absolutely horrendous, I mean those cocksuckers are fucking disgraceful drivers but still, I used to be a lot better at controlling it. I am always feeling useless and all I want is for it all to be over. All I want is time out. A holiday. Time away from everything. To just drive away as far as I can go and never come back. It's so mixed up and confusing.
So these two, they can sum up my life right now just a tad I reckon

hubba hubba nomnom ;P

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

 

<3

1. pretty features (lips and eyes particularly)

2. is holden, and has good taste in cars, and knows about cars

3. cute smile :P --- this crosses over with a good sense of humour too

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

1. smoking

2. being an insensitive jerk; not caring about things or me truely

3. being fake

4. being a lier

5

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Jasper;
Sam;
Brooke;
Emily;
and my brothers Kyle and Ryan.

If only

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
1. never introduced you

2. never went out with two of you. but this one, it was learning experiences. It's all you can do with relationships.

and these really are the only ones I think of. I'm stubborn. And I can't think of anyhting else at this point.

7 things

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
1. That day, eight long months ago. Every single detail. The pain and tears. The shock; disbelief. I re-live it almost every day. I miss you, love you bub <3

2. Whilst driving, which tree would be the best to crash into. What way to brake and accelerate to hit it at the right angle. Etc.

3. Loved one's or close one's or even people I don't know dying, and the aftermaths. The emotions and turmoil. What I would do. Every day. So many people die in my mind every single day.

4. Situations are always running through my head, how I could have done things differently. What-if's. Analysing every single detail and every single possible way of doing something, then doing it, then continuing to go over what I should have done etc.

5. Lyrics or sayings or poems, mine or others.

6. Cars :) keeping an eye open for good ones on the roads; what type I want; mad ones I've seen etc. Just cars :)

7. I'm always worrying and stressing. About people, situations, school, AFTER school, family, the world, just everything. My mind is always stressing.

~~~~~~~~~~
this I started last night but fell asleep so finished now and will now do todays

won't ever be needed anyway but here goes..

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
1. have a mad car

2. have a mad car and let me drive it

3. have a mad car that is my all time favourite

4. be kind and sincere, don't be fake. don't fake the feelings and sincerity. ever.

5. you've gotta be genuine.

6. in the beginning I'm always shallow so good looks help for the start

7. like books and reading, be able to hold a good conversation with me and have that last, not get boring over time.

8. I don't even know how people can win my heart, it's never been won, and it won't be, so these are all guesses, but guitar and singing most definitely would help

yappidy yapp yapp

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
1. I hold grudges. I hate it and I know that I shouldn't and I try not to, but I am a person that cannot let go of the past. I cannot forget or forgive people who have wronged me. Those wrongs are forever there, like a cloud that accumulates above somebodies heads, MY head. I can't help it. People may say that it's not that hard to not, that you can jjust let go of things and all that, but I have tried, I have tried for the majority of my life and I just can't.

2. I'm a bitch. Everyone thinks it. Everyone knows it. I know it. I hate it. But I can't stop doing what makes me me and in turn a bitch.

3. I hate pink. I hate dresses. I hate being a fucking girl. I should have been born a boy. I wish I had been.

4. I think too much. My mind doesn't turn off. It calculates trees for crashing into when driving. It analyses every situation and conversation. It replays things over and over and over making it worse and hurt even if it was months or years ago that it happened.

5. I am my own worst enemy.

6. I like songs for their lyrics. For what they do to me. I like them when they are good and most of the time somehow relevant to myself; I can relate it to something. Hence I have a wide range of music taste, so don't ever ask me what it is, there is none.

7. I cannot believe anything without proof. I need proof for everything. Health things. Scientific things. Math stuff. God stuff, it's why I can't believe. There is no proof. I am one who needs proof and reason and cause.

8. I'm very self conscious and shy. I can't say what I want or need to say when  I need to say it. Ever. I cannot confront people. I talk about it a lot. I DO a lot, in my head. But in reality I just can't.

9. I am broken hearted. Who you think would be the cause isn't. But I am still broken hearted. And b-h sucks </3

might as well follow the trend for once

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. You hurt me. You're still hurting me. But you don't even see it. You ask me what's wrong and to talk to you but how can I do that when you are the problem? How can I do that when the problem you don't want to fix, because you keep ignoring it? I can't. You have always said that you would do anything for me, that you would always be there for me; but when I needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found. I am the most miniscule amount possibly noticeable distance away from walking away from you, from walking away from us and just giving up.
I don't want to. Trust me I really don't.
I've been trying to for weeks and have only got myself stuck in this tug-of-war deep inside myself that is tearing me apart.

But I can't keep doing this to myself, I'm sorry.

2. I don't know if you are doing any of anything on purpose, if you ever have, but it seems you want to rub salt in my wounds. To me, it seems like that is what you are constantly doing and it hurts. It makes me need to punch something and shake with the emotions it all causes so bloody bad I almost burst. I have said bad things in relation to you, just as you have to me.

We have both hurt each other a lot and I understand if you don't want this;

But I want us to be able to leave our friendship on good terms, not bad ones.

I don't want there to be hard feelings or pain.

I didn't want any of this to happen and I am sorry.

3. You will always be my Dr Phil, as long as you want to be.

Thankyou for always being there for me to talk to, thankyou for never judging me.

I honestly wouldn't have survived this year so far without you. I know that for a fact.

I love you so much for all you have done for me and helped me through over these years, it's meant the world to me xx

4. Dude you are amazing and so strong.

I look up to you, for how you have managed through the things and shit you have. You're the only reason I was halfway strong enough to do the same. Stay strong, I love you, you can always talk to me and come to me if you need to, please know that. You aren't as alone as you think you are. There are people still there with you, you just need to see us, please. I hate seeing you like this :( x

5. You, thankyou for our talk tonight, and caring. I really did not expect it and it was a really nice surprise :)

We have the maddest quote sesh's it's great :) F&F that cinema better be ready for us to bring the noise haha, gonna be mad fun. You are such a genuine guy, I really really do appreciate tonight, you lifted me out of a very big ditch I'd started to dig inside my normal one. Thankyou so much xx

6. I don't know what to think with you. I don't even know whether you like me or not. Or if I'm just living an illusion, but I guess only time will tell hey :/

7. I actually trusted you. I trusted you with stuff I had never trusted anybody else with ever. And you broke that. You tore that trust to pieces. I don't see how on earth you don't see how much you hurt me by doing what you did. I don't see how you can be such a literal moron and be that stupid that you can't see how much you hurt people with what you do and say. And I don't mean just me you have hurt my friends as well. Fuck you. I will always hate you forever you can burn in hell, and when I take that place over you better fucking watch out.

8. You said that you wanted to be buddies ("beer buddies who drink everything but beer but beer buddies for short" to be exact) and that it wouldn't be fair for us to not see each other or catch up anymore. That it wouldn't be fair for us to not stay friends. Yet I tried and you didn't respond. Yeah you really meant that shit. You really meant everything you said. And to think I was going to throw everything I knew and loved away for you. Fuck you. Fucking fuck you you fucking cunt. And you know I hate that word. So yeah, I bloody well mean it.

9. I don't know why you did it. I am curious, but I will not nose. You have left many people distraught and in pain, but I know that you would not have done it if you had not been in immense pain or distress yourself. I hope that whatever happened to make you do it has left you now. I sincerely hope that you have now found peace. You were loved by many, and they will continue to love and grieve for you forever <3

10. So mister almighty father, what's going on huh? Why are you letting so many bad things happen? So many lives are being lost. So many young souls are being forced to mature beyond their years because of things you have put them through. Why is the earth so angry all of a sudden? There have never been this many natural disasters all at once, never so many lives gone so quick. What is this your new version of Noah and the Ark? Wow you have gotten sinister in your old age. Head in the clouds too long ay? Seriously for all this shit to happen, and for everyone to have so much crap to deal with you can't exist. You're supposed to love us. You're supposed to love the earth you created. Yea-nah. Fuck that I am certain you don't exist.

2012 ay what do you say about that? I won't be surprised one little bit the way this is all going.

Until you want to work this out, talk to me about it, TRY, I'm giving up, this hurts too much with nothing in return.

I've seen a man cry.
I've seen a man shoutout,
afraid of losing the woman he loves.
I've seen a woman lying
to her man flat out,
about who she's been with
and where she was.
I've seen a low fire
and tried to figure it out.
This fight isn't going anywhere
I've seen a child's eyes
watching his parents freak out.
I know they see him but they just don't care.

It won't stop if they don't stop yelling.
It's not the way of working your problems out.
I can't stand being around this yelling
so I'm finding my way out.

I'm gonna drive and never ever slow down.
I'm gonna drive until i break down.
Packing my things and getting out of this town.
I'm gonna drive until i break down.

I've seen a childs eyes.
I've seen him living in doubt.
Not ever knowing what it's like to be in love.
I've seen his friends try
to just to help him get out.
he never told them what the problem really was.
I've seen a suicide.
They couldn't figure it out.
He blamed himself because they couldn't get along.
I've seen his parents eyes
trying to figure it out.
Where did our baby go and what went wrong?

It won't stop if they don't stop yelling
it's not the way of working your problems out.
I can't stand being around this yelling
so i'm finding my way out.

I'm gonna drive and never ever slow down.
I'm gonna drive until i break down.
Packing my things and getting out of this town.
I'm gonna drive until i break down.

I'm gonna drive until i break down.
Hold it inside until i break down.
I'm gonna drive until i break down.
Say my goodbyes until i break down.
(baby c'mon)

You just don't see.

Or maybe you do and you just won't acknowledge it.

Or just don't care to even try.

I've tried.

You'ce made it look like you've tried.

But until you actually show me that you want to work this out, I can't keep doing this to myself.

It hurts way too fucking much.

You have no goddamn idea how much you tear me apart inside.

Maybe I've been wrong all this time and things never did go away like I thought all those years ago.

Maybe that's why this hurts so much.

But whatever, you don't care.

So until you show me you do, I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry actually no, I'm not, I've done no wrong.

But I'll do what you all want.

Be quiet.

I'll try at least.

LP

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart even the people who never frown)
(Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end you?ll soon find)
(We're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart even the people who never frown)
(Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end you?ll soon find)
(We're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away

(We're all out of time, this is how we learn how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time, this is how we learn how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away, pushes me away

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

I don't know who to trust, no surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies

Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet

All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you

Tension is building inside, steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me

Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet

All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you

I won't waste myself on you
You, you
Waste myself on you
You, you

I'll take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you

Everything from the inside
And just throw it all away
'Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
You, you

Linkin Park, I could post your lyrics all night long, but I'll leave everyone with these 3 songs, they are rather relevant always in my life, I love them, I love Linkin Park.
All of their music I can relate to in some way or another.
They're just one of those bands :)



~~~~

When you left,

there was darkness and despair

in your wake.

Cold and damp,

my heart turned to ice,

frozen.

Glass.

The slightest tremer

and it crumbles;

Broken and fallen away beyond repair.

You did this.

You ruined me.

Bask in that knowledge.

~~~~~~~~~~

my one attemp at a poem during this godforsaken fucking writers block.

just found it again.

erh.

slightly brighter note, it seems my mojo MIGHT be reering it's annoying little head.

ha, yeah fuck you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I hate this.

But you don't even seem to notice or care do you?

You can't even make a proper effort. :(

 

ok so yeah kinda blog splurge tonight but keep thinking/finding new stuff
~

so the hardest part?
It's that I don't know whether I should keep trying and holding on to this when it seems so lost,
or to just let go and move on.
I just want it to go back the way it was before this fucked up :(
I just want you to myself,
but that isn't going to happen.

please and thankyou

If anybody finds the coloured picture to match my black and white disaster, please let me know.



miss you

What we had, it was lost months and months ago.
But I still miss you.

I miss you like absolute fuck.

I miss what we had.

The relationship.

The conversations.

The texts.

The texting every day.

For four years.

I hate this.

We're trying to go back, I think.

But atm it doesn't seem like we're getting there :(
I hope we can rebuild this.

I don't know what I'll do if we can't.

These past few months when things have changed between us,
They've been some of the worst in my life.

I don't have you, that person I trusted with absolutely anything, anymore to go to.

I hate this.

It hurts like crazy.

I miss you :(

I love you </3

#1: check

Vendetta attack #1: check.

You don't realise the damage you have done do you?
You don't understand what it has cost me.
Don't care.
Well now you're going to have to.
Because it's personal.
And I am bringing. you. down. :)

Enjoy it.

You're so going down.

I hereby swear my oath in this personal vendetta against you.

I will win.

You will crash and burn.

Fuck. You.

smiley face :)

I hope you enjoy this as much as you've enjoyed fucking me over all my life.

Because I sure will be.

love Love LOVE this wedding cake!!!
it is way fucking amazingly awesomely wicked insane cool!!

just wish I could find the wicked as gothic wedding dress I once upon a time found :(

and that is all of this random little post :)

all I will say is this: LOL
even if it does go ahead again tomorrow, it still gives me evil satisfaction XD

Just let me move on.

People who read my blogs, I'm sorry I'm dwelling again.

I'm trying to move on and get you out of my head.

I'm trying not to dwell and be happy.

I'm trying to get over you.

Well actually, not really you, just the concept of being in a relationship.

Because it's not really you that I miss.

It's that.

That security.

And I know that since losing that I lost my drive to get the help I was going to get and I need.
But I just have to forget about you, and get back to that frame of mind that I had.
Because I had been completely ready to tell them everything and get that help.

And yeah I do blame these happenings for changing that and making me so stubborn again,
But I have to - for my own good - move on and get back to that so that I can do it.

Since yesterday, I've also been trying to move past my hate for doctors so I can help them help me.

Because it's up to me.

Nobody else has that responsibility.

It's on my shoulders alone and I have to stop blaming everyone else.

I have to stop blaming people for my health issues.

I have to just stop and move on.

So I'm thinking of maybe just going to a completely different doctors office and completely new doctor instead.

Maybe that will make it easier.

I'm also not going to have mum there this time.

Or I might just go straight to where they'll send me.

But I have to.

I have to stop being lazy, get off my arse, stop dwelling is this self-pitiful shit, and do something about it.

Thankyou for saying what you did.
Even though I knew all that you said even before you said it,
I think that it helped to have it said by someone else as well.

thanks for doing your job SO great -_-

So my mojo's gone.
It seems you took that with you too.
Thanks a whole lot.

Doctors.
I hate them.
They don't tell you anything.
They're not considerate.
They hate on nay other form of help you've had i.e. naturopaths.
They act stuck up and snobby.
They make it clear that they don't actually care about helping you.
They even say they don't care what you do.
And because they are like this;
I couldn't even ask about the most important reasons for my visit.
She'd put me in too bad a mood.
Made me hate her.
Made me almost cry with the passion of my hate and anger.
She made it impossible for me to get the help that I need.
To even talk about what I needed to.
She didn't even prompt it when mum brought it up.
Not even when she should have been able to see how deeply it affected me as soon as it was said.
This crap.
This shit.
This is why I fucking hate doctors so much.
They don't care.
They don't give 2 cents about you.
They just care about you getting the appointments with them, to get them money.
Nothing more.
Even when I mentioned some stuff in relation to other stuff, she didn't ask anything more.
Even when she has a fucking legal obligation to with that stuff.
Cow.
Was told she was a good doctor too.
Well no.
Fuck that.
Fuck her.
Fuck doctors full stop.

They don't care and that is final.

In other regards, I'm proud of myself with how I went in the blood tests :)
Been fretting for weeks and went it, sat down, arm out, stared at a spot on the wall, and all done.
If that's the only good that comes out of today I guess I'm going to have to take it.

look at everything

I've spent so much time trying to fix your life that I forgot about mine.
This time I'm putting my foot straight through the floor.
You wont be walking through any of my doors anymore.
So tell me what's so wrong with me that you could leave so easily.
You threw this all away for the chance to leave me.
She makes me happy.
She sparks a light inside you've never failed to blow out.
Look at everything.
Look at all that you've become nothing more than a memory.
So tell me what's so wrong with me that you could leave so easily.
You threw this all away for the chance to leave me.
You make me sick with every move you make.
When will you find your place in this world?
Cause it will never be beside me again.
So tell me what's so wrong with me that you could leave so easily.
You threw this all away for the chance to leave me.

 

I may be growing obsessed with this band, but I don't care;

I love the fuck out of them <3

Just don't take chances.

Today,

I decided to make a pact with myself.

I don't know if I'll stick to it.

I don't know if I can.

I don't know if it will work.

But the thing is;

I don't fucking care.

And THAT is precisely why I have to do something.

Why I have done this.

The pact?

I will have no boyfriends;

No intimacy;

No love - of any kind;

No closeness;

No chances;

No anything the will - if it ceased - fuck with school.

Nothing that will affect it like you have.

I was doing good, finally.

I had motivation and a drive for the the first time.

I was getting marks I never knew I could actually achieve.

I was doing my work.
I was concentrating in school, halfway liking it.

I was going to get help.

I was loving life and slowly getting through things.

I. Was. Halfway. Happy.

And you went and took every single one of those things away.

And you say, in some similar way or another, to someone that you miss what you threw away?

No.

Fucking. No.

Do not say you miss something, when you are the one that threw it away.
When you are the one that caused us both pain.
When you are the one that did this.
Now, if my HSC flops with no other cause, I will blame you.
I actually took a chance for once.

And I learnt that chances are NEVER worth the outcome you are dealt with.